Out of the Mouths of Babes...

My ten year old daughter Doody and I were watching Americas Funniest Videos last night when we saw the common clip of a young boy attempting an ill-fated skateboard grind, land on his privates and fall to the ground grasping his crotch in pain. My jaw dropped when Doody exclaimed, “Man, did you see that boy land on his nuts?”

Huh? His what? Excuse me?

I have adamantly taught my children the correct names for body parts. My girls do not have boobies or hoo-hoo’s, they have breasts. Their private includes a vagina, clitoris, labia, etc. When I was pregnant with SugarLips and someone asked Mimi if she was excited her mommy had a baby in her tummy my daughter eagerly corrected her. “The baby is in her uterus and will come out her vagina.” As Doody and I were discussing her choice of words last night, I asked her what boys in school call girls breasts these days. She plainly states that girls either have buttons or watermelons; she has buttons.

This prompted a funny conversation at lunch today surrounding all of the silly nicknames parents teach their children to use when referring to their privates. We had: tweeters, cookie, tally whacker, go-nads, peanuts, coochie.

What were you taught to call your naughty bits?

Casseroles, Karaoke, Bitch, Babes, Shots, Swing and the Mysterious Orb

The Casseroles had an evening out this past Saturday and the ever faithful Bombadee arrived with a dead camera, leaving me to document our evening out. I will let the pics tell the story...

A lively dinner discussion on the word "bitch" brought differing opinions to light.

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" after all.

Fiesta Pie flashed her boob to the obvious enjoyment of Sweet Potato and Souffle.

A quick snapshot of some of the carcasses left in our wake.

My solo career was a blur...

Line 'em up...I can take it! (My favorite part of this one is Fiesta Pie's face: laughter or sheer terror?)

The picture behind the Casseroles is of the legendary Mary Jane.

This is a pic of the FABULOUS woman who served as hostess of the evening. Notice the mysterious orb on Green Bean's face...they say the Roadhouse is haunted...

Hello, My Name is Jennie, and I'm a Democrat

I sat down at my PC this morning and saw an email from an old friend, subject line “Don’t Forget”. I immediately began thinking, “oh crap, what did I forget?” Maybe there is something fun coming up and she wants to remind everyone. As I eagerly open the email, I see it has several pics attached and it was forwarded from an even older friend who recently had a baby. Woo-hoo, baby pics! I’m even more excited.

My exhilaration is abolished as I open pic after pic of the World Trade Center. On fire, smoke pouring out, collapsing, the absence left behind. Then I scroll down and find stories bashing Vice President Gore and President Clinton.

Okay, let me make a few points perfectly clear:

• I am a democrat who voted for Bill Clinton, twice, Al Gore and John Kerry.
• I am a democrat because I believe in the equality of all people regardless of race, gender, spiritual belief, sexual orientation, handicap or any other defining characteristic that allows one to be who they are.
• I am a Democrat because I hold sacred freedom of the press, TV, movie, music, art, religion. I believe in the power of one’s choice and ability to change the channel.
• I am a Democrat because I fervently believe in the separation of church and state; religious extremists who want school-sanctioned prayers should be stopped, “In God We Trust” should be removed from all US currency, putting one’s hand on a bible to swear in before giving testimony in a court of law is absurd.
• I am a Democrat because I believe in a strong military. Not only strong, but insightful and empathetic; ready to face the new challenges of modern conflict. We train soldiers for war and then expect them to be peacekeepers?
• I am a Democrat because I believe in a women’s right to choose.
• I am a Democrat because I believe in campaign finance reform. Today, will my opinion matter if I don’t pay for it?
• I am a Democrat because I believe in the environment and conservation.
• I am a Democrat because I believe the government’s role should be to maintain the military for defense against invasion, maintain a court system for ensuring justice and regulate and oversee the economy, not my morality.

September 11, 2001: Have I forgotten?

When I read the news everyday I feel sick when I see a headline that reads “Eleven Marines Killed”, wondering if Ben’s name will be found in the small print.

When my daughters come home from school and load up a box of their toys to donate to Iraqi children who are surrounded everyday in death and destruction I burst into tears.

When I receive monthly letters in the mail with our “evacuation route” because I live 3 miles from a nuclear plant it reminds me that if something were to happen, it wouldn’t really matter.

When I am at a high school sporting event and they play the national anthem I teach my girls to stand tall with their hands on their hearts, to remember there are men and women who are risking their lives to protect what that flag stands for as we eat popcorn and Starburst.

No I haven’t forgotten, but thanks for asking.

Craving

I haven't wanted a cigarette this badly in months.

New York Senator Hillary Clinton

"Right now the greatest threat to world peace is intolerance cloaked in religion."

Weekend Synopsis

Friday Night

After work, I went shopping and out for dinner with Duchess Jane. I had the pleasure of watching my pal purchase several sweaters and a lovely lilac handbag, perfect for spring. My butt fit into a pair of size 18 Tommy Hilfiger jeans (yeah!) but alas, they were six inches too long. After shopping we went out for Mexican food and sat at the restaurant for 4 hours chatting. Surprisingly I was the only one to actually tear up during our conversation. When I finally was forced to empty my bladder, my booth seat had some serious ass-groves in it. The weather and snow turned what would normally be a quick 35-40 minute drive home into an hour and twenty minutes. The following specific items should be noted:

• If you are looking for a sweater or blazer complete with large pseudo-fur collar, look at most stores clearance racks.
• Who purchases gold, silver, diamonds, watches, etc. at mall kiosks?
• The new colors for spring seem to be reminiscent of Lionel Riches All Night Long video, neon green, orange, pink, yellow, etc. It was like a sea of Runts candy at Bergner’s and Marshall Fields. Jane “forced” me to try on a lovely ensemble.
• Do most people who shop at Lane Bryant, believe their ass is best represented with floral appliqués and a Bedazzler?
• When did paisley sheer tops, shrugs in textures ranging from knit to sequins to fake fur, disco ball handbags, crocheted shawls, brocade-brocade-brocade, belly dancer belts, freakishly large rhinestone belt buckles, Copacabana inspired ruffle sleeved satin shirts and wedge high heels come back in style. Or did they just never leave?

Saturday

Spent most of my day at the Regional wrestling meets in my home town with my sister Stephanie. Her boyfriend Brian coaches; his kid brother is on the team. He lost both of his matches, but we stayed for the finals. I was suffering from a nasty case of bleacher butt by the end of the day as we sat on the same bench for 5+ hours. Most of the day was spent observing the following:

• Brian habitually scratches his head and has a very nice bubble butt.
• The majority of matches result in at least one of the two wrestlers bleeding; most commonly from the nose.
• Your arm can be contorted and pulled very far behind your back before your shoulder will dislocate.
• Ass-crack and scrotum sweat is disturbingly visible through most singlets. Maroon, silver and red show it best.

After the meet was over, we went to a local watering hole where I had the pleasure of watching Brian get loaded and then fight with Stephanie over the keys to his truck as he stumbled through the bar. As we were leaving she shot me that look and said “Jennie, which door are you going out?” that really meant “Jennie, please follow and help me here.” While it was reassuring she asked me for help, she didn’t need to. There was no way my sister would be getting in a car with someone who is clearly too drunk to drive. As I prepared to park my car directly in front of his truck, impeding him from going anywhere, he finally relented and Stephanie drove them home. The next morning, he still claimed that he was okay to drive. I personally thought a thank you was more in order.

Sunday

Set-up my parent’s new and improved PC/Printer. This definitely isn’t what it used to be. Now you can pretty much connect all the cords and plug it in. I remember when you had a stack of discs that took hours to load. After a quick trip to Super Wal-Mart the rest of the day was spent in my sweats on the couch watching football as SugarLips crawled on my head.

Ahhhhhhh.

Sickened by the News

I just read an incredibly disturbing article on a Massachusetts ruling to remove an 11-year old in a constant vegetative state from life support after being allegedly kicked and beaten nearly to death with a bat by her stepfather, Jason Strickland. He fought the states desire to remove life support saying:

“Jason Strickland, who never formally adopted the girl, argued that as the stepfather, he should be considered a de facto parent and allowed to have a say in whether she lives or dies. Egan insisted his client wasn't motivated by the chance he could be charged with murder if the girl dies. "We should be coming down on the side of life as opposed to death," he told the justices during last month's hearing.

Wasn’t he already allowed to have a say in whether she lived or died? Maybe he should have come down on the side of life before beating a beautiful, defense little girl with a baseball bat.

Who are these people?

I’m sick to my stomach now.

Dr. Phil-ism's

Dr. Phil has 10 Life Laws that resonated in me when I read them some time ago. There are times I feel I'm perceived like a bit of an unsymphathetic hard ass when it comes to my friends and family. I shudder when people ask me for advice or my opinion at times, just because what works for me is to look to myself for what isn't working in my life and to change it. Sometimes what a friend or sister or whomever needs is a simple "It will be okay, hang in there. What can I do to help?" In most situations my first reaction is to say, "If you didn't like it, you would change it" or "You don't get to decide what they do, only how you react to it." I really do understand it isn't always that simple and this way of thinking may not work for everyone, but it has served me well to date. The first six months of 2005 were my toughest in a very long time as some of you know. I blamed all of my sadness and anger on others and felt like I controlled nothing, not even myself. It was a struggle to move past that and remind myself that I may not get to decide the actions and thoughts of those around me, but I do get to decide my own. I took back my power.

This whole post is my way of explaining the thoughts behind what I say sometimes. If I come across too blunt or harsh at times, please let me know. I would never intentionally hurt the feelings of someone I care about. Here is an edited version of some of my favorite Dr. Phil-ism's:

Life Law: You either get it or you don't. Become one of those who gets it.

• It's easy to tell these people apart. Those who "get it" understand how things work and have a strategy to create the results they want. Those who don't are stumbling along looking puzzled, and can be found complaining that they never seem to get a break. In designing a strategy and getting the information you need — about yourself, people you encounter, or situations — be careful from whom you accept input. Wrong thinking and misinformation can seal your fate before you even begin.

Life Law: You create your own experience. Acknowledge and accept accountability for your life. Understand your role in creating results.

• You cannot dodge responsibility for how and why your life is the way it is. If you are overweight, you are accountable. If you are not happy, you are accountable. Don't play the role of victim, or use past events to build excuses. It guarantees you no progress, no healing, and no victory. You will never fix a problem by blaming someone else. Whether the cards you've been dealt are good or bad, you're in charge of yourself now.Every choice you make — including the thoughts you think — has consequences. When you choose the behavior or thought, you choose the consequences. If you choose to stay with a destructive partner, then you choose the consequences of pain and suffering. When you start choosing the right behavior and thoughts — which will take a lot of discipline — you'll get the right consequences.

Life Law: People do what works. Identify the payoffs that drive your behavior and that of others.

• Even the most destructive behaviors have a payoff. If you did not perceive the behavior in question to generate some value to you, you would not do it. If you want to stop behaving in a certain way, you've got to stop "paying yourself off" for doing it. Find and control the payoffs, because you can't stop a behavior until you recognize what you are gaining from it.

Life Law: You cannot change what you do not acknowledge. Get real with yourself about life and everybody in it.

• Be truthful about what isn't working in your life. Stop making excuses and start making results. If you're unwilling or unable to identify and consciously acknowledge your negative behaviors, characteristics or life patterns, then you will not change them. (In fact, they will only grow worse and become more entrenched in your life.) Acknowledgment means slapping yourself in the face with the brutal reality, admitting that you are getting payoffs for what you are doing, and giving yourself a no-kidding, bottom-line truthful confrontation. You cannot afford the luxury of lies, denial or defensiveness.

Life Law: There is no reality, only perception. Identify the filters through which you view the world. Acknowledge your history without being controlled by it.

• You know and experience this world only through the perceptions that you create. You have the ability to choose how you perceive any event in your life, and you exercise this power of choice in every circumstance, every day of your life. No matter what the situation, you choose your reaction, assigning meaning and value to an event. Filters are made up of fixed beliefs, negative ideas that have become entrenched in your thinking. If you continue to view the world through a filter created by past events, then you are allowing your past to control and dictate both your present and your future.

Life Law: We teach people how to treat us. Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want.

• You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot. If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior.

Life Law: You have to name it before you can claim it. Get clear about what you want and take your turn.

• Not knowing what you want — from your major life goals to your day-to-day desires — is not OK. The most you'll ever get is what you ask for. If you don't even know what it is that you want, then you can't even ask for it. Be bold enough to reach for what will truly fill you up, without being unrealistic. Once you have the strength and resolve enough to believe that you deserve what it is that you want, then and only then will you be bold enough to step up and claim it. Remember that if you don't, someone else will.

Who's Full of Bologna Now?

My dear, dear pal Bombadee. Though we may sometimes feel like

I like to believe we are more

Tattoo's

This design is celtic and means "sisterly love". It's hard to see, but you should get the general idea. I have been trying to talk Stephanie into getting this one with me for ages. The Heart, which symbolizes compassion, is entwined in a triquetra. The triquetra represents the three phases of womanhood: maiden, mother and crone. This design is created with one unbroken line to remind one of the eternal love of sisters.














This one is a line from my favorite movie. I have been considering it for two years, but can't decide where to put it:


















These Chinese calligraphy symbols mean "elder sister" and "younger sister". Once again, have been trying to talk Stephanie into getting on the inner ankle with me:












I found these three browsing on the internet today and thought they were simple, yet beautiful:






This is two of mine. I say two, because the butterfly was added several years after the cross:

An Imperfect Union Between Two Willing Spirits

We think a lot alike sometimes, Dr. Phil and I. An excerpt from his show:

"Maybe you just need to kind of lighten up a little bit and realize that there's not going to be a perfect connection. You're not going to meet a perfect guy. You're not a perfect mate. It's just an imperfect union between two willing spirits. And that's a good place to be. You're not chasing or retreating, it's just an imperfect union between two people who say, 'I'd rather be in a relationship and share my life, share my joys, share my fun, share my activities, share my life than do it alone.' And you don't have to have a man in your life to be good, healthy, whole and complete. But if you want that, you've got to give yourself permission to take it with the flaws and fallacies that come with it."

"And take a chance on getting hurt," she surmises.

"No, no, there's not a chance that you're going to get hurt. Let me guarantee you," says Dr. Phil. "Even a well-intended guy is going to hurt his partner. I know; I've seen me do it. I'll guarantee you, if you get in a relationship with a guy, you are going to get hurt. So?"

"So I have to take more chances I guess," says Suzie.

"You're going to get hurt," he continues. "You just have to decide that you are durable enough, that you have enough confidence in yourself that you can handle that."

Random Quote

Earnhardt Jr. Fan: "Have them shove the harddrives into your dark, secret hole."

Forgotten Film...

Sunday Jeff and I picked up 10 rolls of film. We suck at pictures; taking, developing, putting in albums. In this forgotten bundle were pictures from Halloween, Wisconsin vacation, Doody's summer camp, Brian's birthday, Doody's birthday, SugarLips birthday, MiMi's appearance in the parade, and so on.

I am in talks to purchase a digital camera, in which case I will begin posting many more pics on a regular basis.

Here are two of my favorites:

Bombadee + Alcohol = Great Snapshots

I was feeling a bit nostalgic today and started reading through some old posts on mine and my pals blogs. Everywhere I went I came across pics of the lovely Bombadee in various states of drunkeness that made me laugh hysterically and count my lucky stars she is my friend.

Thanks to Bombadee and Duchess Jane for my shameless copying of your pictures.

2006: To-Do, In Part

Home

• Landscape yard on the sides of our house
• Upgrade electric to 100 amp service
• Replace kitchen floor
• Paint bedrooms
• New curtains and closet doors in girl’s room
• Clean and organize basement

Friendships

• Karaoke with The Casseroles (soon to be crossed off per Bombadee)
• Continue monthly dinner nights with the Hills and Mathews
• Continue monthly evenings out with the above mentioned Casseroles
• Continue somehow knowing just what to say despite my staunch refusals to offer any kind of influential opinions
• Continue nourishing relationships with my pals (short list)
• Contact Jill and Erika
• Stop mourning The Big B and Triple A
• Invite friends for an overnight camp out at Lowden State Park
• Forge a bond with my soon-to-be-born honorary nephew Colin Scott
• Attend hockey game with family/friends

Children

• Potty train SugarLips
• Teach Sugar colors, numbers and the alphabet
• Support my oldest as she navigates menstruation
• Purchase full face helmets for all three
• Allow Mimi and Doody to have more slumber parties
• Sign the girls up for the next level swim lessons
• Get SugarLips portraits taken in his t-shirt from Bombadee
• Encourage Jeff to take the girls out, individually, for date nights
• Go to the zoo

Marriage

• Be spontaneous, instigate more often
• Join Mathews in Vegas to renew their vows
• Celebrate my 13th anniversary

Family

• Visit sister Sara in Arizona
• Witness sister Stephanie graduate college and head to graduate school
• Encourage mother to make healthier choices
• Encourage step-father to stop consistently providing example of what not to do to my children

Self

• Fit into a size 14, see Jennie’s Journey blog
• Purchase new glasses
• Stop chewing the two fingernails I currently cannot
• Read six books
• See four plays/musicals
• See at least one adult movie, at the cineplex
• Go hiking
• Rectify all claims/bills from car accident
• Buy sparkly sandals and dangly earrings
• Purchase digital camera
• Get ankle tattoo reworked
• Sneak idea to husband that I would like a plain, comfort fit, white gold or platinum wedding band.

I thought this list would be short. Wow.

Finally, A Good Reason To Watch

John Stewart.

2005, With a Bow

I had started a “2005 List” yesterday, but was sidetracked by Bombadee’s positive posting. Many of the items on my list were not very positive in nature, but focused more on what sucked. I’m not sure why I had chosen to dwell on these, but did. This morning I told myself that I would compose a list of all of the shiny happy things that had occurred; more of a cup half full perspective. As the list began to take form it kept yelling at me, “Jennifer, this isn’t all of it. If you ignore the crap, it doesn’t go away. Sweep us under the rug and we will still be there”. You get my drift.

I decided to include the good and some of the bad on the list. For much of the negative, something good has occurred to directly offset it as you will see. Is this list complete? No. But it’s what popped into my head first when I thought back over the past twelve months.

Friendship

• Chose to end an eight year friendship after unsuccessfully forging a friendship with her new husband, Triple A.
• Rediscovered how much I enjoy Jenny and Michelle.
• Made a fabulous new friend (you know who you are).
• Held monthly dinner parties with the Hills and Mathews ten out of twelve months.
• Joined a gang of fierce women dubbed “The Casseroles”, codename: TaterTot
• Went dancing three times.
• Went on a lovely vacation with the Hills in Wisconsin.

Career

• Changed jobs, increased wages.
• Completed an A+ Certification class, still chicken to take tests.

Marriage

• Celebrated my 12th anniversary.
• Truly love my husband more this year than last, although he still pisses me off at times.
• Finally took a vacation, sans children, with the husband (Vegas, baby). First one since our honeymoon.

Children

• Doody and Mimi are growing up too fast; Doody needs to start wearing a bra and received her own cordless phone for Christmas. Cell phones and thongs are around the corner. (If anyone feels the need to remind me of their pending interest in boys ~or girls~, please refrain. I am not ready for the thought of someone’s tongue in either of their mouths.)
• Girls are growing up to be respectful, confident, intelligent, responsible, interesting, funny, beautiful young ladies.
• Read all 3 of the great books I found regarding periods, breasts and tampons with Doody.
• Weaned Mr. Lips from his pacifier and have him successfully sleeping in his toddler bed.
• Managed to make it through 2 basketball teams, 2 softball teams, 2 soccer teams, 5th grade band, Girl Scouts, 4 swim lesson sessions, 4-H Club and the 4-H Fair.
• While SugarLips speech is noticeably delayed, he can successfully tell me when he’s hungry, thirsty, poopy, or needs hugs and kisses.
• Dressed all three of my children quite stylishly with wardrobes purchased primarily from garage sales: 50% (girls) and 85% (Mr. Lips)

Home

• Landscaped the front and back yards.
• Painted the living room and kitchen.
• Had a garage sale and felt sick as I sold many of the items I bought new for Sugar at a fraction of what I paid for them.

Family

• Sister moved to Arizona.
• Step-father still a prick about sister moving to Arizona.
• Sister Stephanie and boyfriend Brian joined Jeff and I in Vegas to celebrate her 21st birthday.
• Mom made it through two more knee surgeries.
• Brother made it through one knee surgery and sewing back on of face.

Personal

• Lost 35 pounds.
• Started two blogs.
• Started reading too many blogs.
• Began wearing heels with jeans.
• Saw two musicals.
• Read five novels.
• Bought an elliptical machine (and use it).
• Came to the realization I’m important, special and more powerful than I thought.

Tomorrow I plan to begin a to-do list for 2006.

Random Lunchtable Quotes

Grammy Pammy: "You just have to bend over and take one up the ol' wazoo."

D'Super: "Bite me, putz."

TaterTot: "My Mom still tells me how to vacuum."