Weekend Synopsis

Friday Night

After work, I went shopping and out for dinner with Duchess Jane. I had the pleasure of watching my pal purchase several sweaters and a lovely lilac handbag, perfect for spring. My butt fit into a pair of size 18 Tommy Hilfiger jeans (yeah!) but alas, they were six inches too long. After shopping we went out for Mexican food and sat at the restaurant for 4 hours chatting. Surprisingly I was the only one to actually tear up during our conversation. When I finally was forced to empty my bladder, my booth seat had some serious ass-groves in it. The weather and snow turned what would normally be a quick 35-40 minute drive home into an hour and twenty minutes. The following specific items should be noted:

• If you are looking for a sweater or blazer complete with large pseudo-fur collar, look at most stores clearance racks.
• Who purchases gold, silver, diamonds, watches, etc. at mall kiosks?
• The new colors for spring seem to be reminiscent of Lionel Riches All Night Long video, neon green, orange, pink, yellow, etc. It was like a sea of Runts candy at Bergner’s and Marshall Fields. Jane “forced” me to try on a lovely ensemble.
• Do most people who shop at Lane Bryant, believe their ass is best represented with floral appliqués and a Bedazzler?
• When did paisley sheer tops, shrugs in textures ranging from knit to sequins to fake fur, disco ball handbags, crocheted shawls, brocade-brocade-brocade, belly dancer belts, freakishly large rhinestone belt buckles, Copacabana inspired ruffle sleeved satin shirts and wedge high heels come back in style. Or did they just never leave?

Saturday

Spent most of my day at the Regional wrestling meets in my home town with my sister Stephanie. Her boyfriend Brian coaches; his kid brother is on the team. He lost both of his matches, but we stayed for the finals. I was suffering from a nasty case of bleacher butt by the end of the day as we sat on the same bench for 5+ hours. Most of the day was spent observing the following:

• Brian habitually scratches his head and has a very nice bubble butt.
• The majority of matches result in at least one of the two wrestlers bleeding; most commonly from the nose.
• Your arm can be contorted and pulled very far behind your back before your shoulder will dislocate.
• Ass-crack and scrotum sweat is disturbingly visible through most singlets. Maroon, silver and red show it best.

After the meet was over, we went to a local watering hole where I had the pleasure of watching Brian get loaded and then fight with Stephanie over the keys to his truck as he stumbled through the bar. As we were leaving she shot me that look and said “Jennie, which door are you going out?” that really meant “Jennie, please follow and help me here.” While it was reassuring she asked me for help, she didn’t need to. There was no way my sister would be getting in a car with someone who is clearly too drunk to drive. As I prepared to park my car directly in front of his truck, impeding him from going anywhere, he finally relented and Stephanie drove them home. The next morning, he still claimed that he was okay to drive. I personally thought a thank you was more in order.

Sunday

Set-up my parent’s new and improved PC/Printer. This definitely isn’t what it used to be. Now you can pretty much connect all the cords and plug it in. I remember when you had a stack of discs that took hours to load. After a quick trip to Super Wal-Mart the rest of the day was spent in my sweats on the couch watching football as SugarLips crawled on my head.

Ahhhhhhh.