Dr. Phil-ism's

Dr. Phil has 10 Life Laws that resonated in me when I read them some time ago. There are times I feel I'm perceived like a bit of an unsymphathetic hard ass when it comes to my friends and family. I shudder when people ask me for advice or my opinion at times, just because what works for me is to look to myself for what isn't working in my life and to change it. Sometimes what a friend or sister or whomever needs is a simple "It will be okay, hang in there. What can I do to help?" In most situations my first reaction is to say, "If you didn't like it, you would change it" or "You don't get to decide what they do, only how you react to it." I really do understand it isn't always that simple and this way of thinking may not work for everyone, but it has served me well to date. The first six months of 2005 were my toughest in a very long time as some of you know. I blamed all of my sadness and anger on others and felt like I controlled nothing, not even myself. It was a struggle to move past that and remind myself that I may not get to decide the actions and thoughts of those around me, but I do get to decide my own. I took back my power.

This whole post is my way of explaining the thoughts behind what I say sometimes. If I come across too blunt or harsh at times, please let me know. I would never intentionally hurt the feelings of someone I care about. Here is an edited version of some of my favorite Dr. Phil-ism's:

Life Law: You either get it or you don't. Become one of those who gets it.

• It's easy to tell these people apart. Those who "get it" understand how things work and have a strategy to create the results they want. Those who don't are stumbling along looking puzzled, and can be found complaining that they never seem to get a break. In designing a strategy and getting the information you need — about yourself, people you encounter, or situations — be careful from whom you accept input. Wrong thinking and misinformation can seal your fate before you even begin.

Life Law: You create your own experience. Acknowledge and accept accountability for your life. Understand your role in creating results.

• You cannot dodge responsibility for how and why your life is the way it is. If you are overweight, you are accountable. If you are not happy, you are accountable. Don't play the role of victim, or use past events to build excuses. It guarantees you no progress, no healing, and no victory. You will never fix a problem by blaming someone else. Whether the cards you've been dealt are good or bad, you're in charge of yourself now.Every choice you make — including the thoughts you think — has consequences. When you choose the behavior or thought, you choose the consequences. If you choose to stay with a destructive partner, then you choose the consequences of pain and suffering. When you start choosing the right behavior and thoughts — which will take a lot of discipline — you'll get the right consequences.

Life Law: People do what works. Identify the payoffs that drive your behavior and that of others.

• Even the most destructive behaviors have a payoff. If you did not perceive the behavior in question to generate some value to you, you would not do it. If you want to stop behaving in a certain way, you've got to stop "paying yourself off" for doing it. Find and control the payoffs, because you can't stop a behavior until you recognize what you are gaining from it.

Life Law: You cannot change what you do not acknowledge. Get real with yourself about life and everybody in it.

• Be truthful about what isn't working in your life. Stop making excuses and start making results. If you're unwilling or unable to identify and consciously acknowledge your negative behaviors, characteristics or life patterns, then you will not change them. (In fact, they will only grow worse and become more entrenched in your life.) Acknowledgment means slapping yourself in the face with the brutal reality, admitting that you are getting payoffs for what you are doing, and giving yourself a no-kidding, bottom-line truthful confrontation. You cannot afford the luxury of lies, denial or defensiveness.

Life Law: There is no reality, only perception. Identify the filters through which you view the world. Acknowledge your history without being controlled by it.

• You know and experience this world only through the perceptions that you create. You have the ability to choose how you perceive any event in your life, and you exercise this power of choice in every circumstance, every day of your life. No matter what the situation, you choose your reaction, assigning meaning and value to an event. Filters are made up of fixed beliefs, negative ideas that have become entrenched in your thinking. If you continue to view the world through a filter created by past events, then you are allowing your past to control and dictate both your present and your future.

Life Law: We teach people how to treat us. Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want.

• You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot. If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior.

Life Law: You have to name it before you can claim it. Get clear about what you want and take your turn.

• Not knowing what you want — from your major life goals to your day-to-day desires — is not OK. The most you'll ever get is what you ask for. If you don't even know what it is that you want, then you can't even ask for it. Be bold enough to reach for what will truly fill you up, without being unrealistic. Once you have the strength and resolve enough to believe that you deserve what it is that you want, then and only then will you be bold enough to step up and claim it. Remember that if you don't, someone else will.