Similar to something that my pal Jenny emailed me the other day, I made a statement during a board game with friends last night that has weighed heavily on my mind ever since.
While playing the game Scruples with the Bombadee’s and Blahzeeblah’s, my closest friends who I am comfortable saying anything in front of, I found myself quickly answering a question before giving it much thought. You have the option to answer all of the hypothetical questions with a yes, no or depends. A “depends” requires additional explanation, but rarely the way I respond to anything. While my ability to give an opinion quickly and precisely can depict a woman who is steadfast and confident in her beliefs it can also reveal that sometimes I speak before I think, as in the case last night.
So what is the question that has haunted me for about 14 hours now?
Would you consider leaving your spouse if it was discovered they could not have children?
Before I knew it, “YES” blurted out of my mouth to my wide-eyed friends, a husband who said “gee…thanks a lot” and a friend who said “that’s the case for my brother and his wife”. Her brother and his wife have been married for 15 years and after thousands and thousands of dollars on fertility treatments and invitro have only been left with too many heart aching losses to count and too much debt to visit home.
Yeah, I can be a real ass sometimes.
So why did I say yes? I’m not sure, knowing I have the ability to conceive and carry a child to term and having experienced that, I would be able to give that up for anyone. Being pregnant, that is. But of course that is easy for me to say, I have conceived and carried three children to term without complication. I appreciate there are women out there who are unable to conceive, carry and/or have babies and my heart breaks for them, I will never understand the grief they bear. My quick, thoughtless response was inconsiderate not only to my husband and friend but to the thousands of families who suffer broken dream after broken dream. For that, I apologize.
So after putting some much needed thought into the question, I would have to change my answer to “depends”. Ever since I can remember when I was asked the question “What do you want to be when you grow up” my response was always the same…quick and precise: “A mom”. My mind equated that question with not being a mom, and it should not have. There are many ways for one to be a mom, and apparently many ways for one to be an ass.
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4 comments:
oh my tot. you and me are sooooo similiar in many ways, and your post nailed two of them on the head.
i am the 'head-strong,' 'sure-footed,' 'strong,' opinionated girl who quite often speaks/acts first and then thinks later. after beating myself up for this over several years, i finally resolved myself that this is who i am and the people in my world need to understand this and respect it for what it is. my intent is never to cause hurt, but sometimes feelings (on both sides) get in the way. don't think i didn't spend years wishing i was audrey hepburn. but, everyone is entitled to their beliefs and opinions. and as long as communication and understanding are in the mix, then all should be right with the world.
as far as what you are beating yourself up for, i too have to agree with you on this. all i ever wanted to be was a mom. i couldn't have given a shit about a wedding or any of that other blown-out junk, but a mama holds substance. i wanted to have substance.
where i have failed to soften, as you have, is that i find fertility clinics, and the quest for people to get pregnant, to say the least, selfish and pitiful. why do people, who are unable to have a child, throw disgusting amounts of money away in their pursuit? it makes no sense to me. none what-so-ever. and the argument comes into play, that i am fortunate enough to have children, so i have no right to judge anothers action. well....... nope, not true. there are many things i am physically unable to do. there are many things i will physically never be. there are things i want but know they aren't going to happen for me in the sense that i WISHED they would.
i'm rambling, but my point is this. stop beating yourself up for the choices and misfortunes of others. you're never going to be a 6'3" black woman with high cheekbones and legs to your armpits, and you may want that more than anything else in the world.
people have the choice to adopt - that should be seen as the most noble of all choices. if people devoted their fiances to that cause instead of pregnancy, we might be living in a different place.
i have friends who have delt with this issue in different manners - four couples adopted seven gorgeous kids between them. one couple went the surrogate route. all of them are good parents. all of them love their children. all of them are happy. one couple will be in debt for the rest of their lives.
it's all about choice. we all have it, even when we think we don't.
don't beat yourself up anymore. you're tot. you are who you are. they are who they are. and the world spins round...
I was there and I didn't think it was a big deal but I'm probably the biggest foot in mouther you know.
so maybe I'm not a good person to judge.
Scruples!
Go read
http://bombadee.blogspot.com/
today
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